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My Childhood.

I come from an immensely large family. Each of my parents is one of six. My parents went to the same high school, but were from different sides of the track, of a small suburban community, 20 miles outside of a major city. They married, and divorced before they were 22. I have 4 siblings- 1 full, and 3 half, 32 first cousins, and literally a couple hundred 2,3, and 4th cousins. I had very different influencers in my life growing up, given this unique family dynamic. Growing up with divorced parents I spent my time divided between their two houses, 5 minutes apart, with extremely different rules. I attended CCD and Sunday school and practiced two different religions. The one side of my family looked down on the other side, but it wasn’t hugely apparent to me until I was a teenager, however. If you’ve ever read the Outsiders, by S.E Hinton, this is the closest comparison to how I felt. I often felt like Pony Boy as a teen. Exasperated and confused by the social divide between my two families. I felt more supported by my “Greasers,” side of the family and felt much more included and welcome.

I was never the biggest, the brightest, or the smartest. I was the lost in the crowd, go with the flow type, outshined constantly by my sister in academics. School was a huge struggle, although I did greatly enjoy it. My parents were both extremely hard-working and very good role models, who taught me resilience, and the importance of standing on my own two feet. You can’t rely on anyone in life but yourself, being my father’s motto. My easygoing, people-pleasing nature always left me as an easy target, being more of a detriment than an attribute, if you ask some people. What I lacked in brains, I made up for in resilience, street smarts, and athletics. I was clever, or so I thought. I was always fit and fast. I was a tomboy in dresses, with scuffed up knees, due to extreme sensory issues. I was “mouthy” with the people I felt most comfortable with, my mother and grandmother. I always felt like I was on the defense in life, but wouldn’t stand up for myself. I was always trying to prove my worth, always trying to measure up, and I always felt like I fell short. With a summer birthday, I was always the youngest kid in class, and always more immature than other kids in my grade. I didn’t begin to feel comfortable in my own skin, or successful at all, other than in sports, until around l tenth grade.

I was always stronger in math in elementary school. I had English tutors to try to help me catch up. Things slowly started to change for me and by 7th grade, I struggled in math and science, and started to do better in English. Then, I received math tutoring. The struggle continued. My shinning moment came in 10th grade. My English teacher pushed me and believed in me like no one else before. She was sharp, as a tack, intimidating to say the least, and most kids were afraid of her. She simply loved me, nurtured me, and I was so grateful. I rebounded in school, my grades took a sharp turn and I ended up graduating about 22nd in a small class of 240 students. I received a congeniality award I battled back and my confidence improved.

I knew what I wanted in life, more than anything was to be a success and to feel like I belonged. To have my own voice and identity. I wanted to make other people feel the same. I made it my goal to make others always feel welcome, to feel heard, to feel important. I attended Rutgers University, while working full-time. I had been working various jobs since the age of 12, where I was janitor of my father’s family business. I was in a serious relationship with my boyfriend whom I met at ShopRite, my high school co-op job. Life was good. I didn’t declare my major until my junior year, but I always knew it would be English. My 10th grade teacher was just that inspiring. I wanted to make a difference in a student’s life, the way she had touched mine.

I graduated a double major in English and Teaching, with a minor in Urban Studies. During my final semester, before student teaching, I purchased my first home with my boyfriend. Then, during student teaching, the housing market crashed and my boyfriend was laid off. It was impossible to find a job of any sort upon graduation, and my teaching dreams started to slip away. I loved substituting and believed it was helping me to get my foot in the door at the local schools. The problem was, as a 21 year old homeowner, it just wasn’t paying the bills.