About me

Hey, I’m Safina Mercedes

OVERSTIMULATED WOMAN. WHO I AM AND WHY AM I HERE.

I am and have been an overstimulated woman for a good deal of time now, in my late 30s. I am a wife and working mom with a big heart, anxiety and strong emotions. I hold a B.A. in English Literature and a minor in Urban Studies.  I have moderate to severe facial eczema that sometimes seems to rule my life.  I am passionate about my family, living a healthy lifestyle, writing, gardening, reading, music, connecting with others, and am seeking peace and balance in all areas of life. For me, that means being successful in all areas, instead of just being okay in some and a master of one.

I have three beautiful children.  One teenage, 13-year-old daughter, still not sure how this happened, an 11-year-old son, and a 2-month-old daughter.

Sometimes I feel a little lost. Like my brain is going in a million directions, I can’t keep up, and I don’t know what I want to do first.  My older two were diagnosed at 6 and 8 with ADHD.  It is highly probable I may as well, but I have never been diagnosed. My priorities change and are constantly evolving over the course of time. How can I be a great role model for my kids if I don’t have a focus and set goal in life? How can I be a supportive spouse when my goals constantly change and become more grandiose?   

What doesn’t change much are my passions. I am a Leo and feel like that equates with me wanting to be connected to everyone on some level.  I want to both feel and be loved. I enjoy a multitude of connections, but don’t feel particularly close to a large amount of people, my inner circle is small, and I am careful who I put my trust in.  I have had my heart broken by close friend connections in my past that makes me shy away before becoming too close with just anyone. This also equates to loneliness.  I want and value more connections, but as an adult, it feels impossible. I wish I had more close friends I could relate to. I’m passionate about connections, finding inner peace and happiness, and balance.  I feel like I haven’t been extremely successful in life because I can’t find the perfect, yes, I said perfect, balance I have been looking for.

Sure, I’ve achieved great success in one area or another.  Career wise, I’ve peaked at the top salary in the field of profession I practiced the longest.  I was an Office Manager, Scheduler, Human Resources, Accounting, jack of all trades for a government contractor.  I was able to purchase our current home, on this salary alone and travel on occasion, while my husband was laid off. The role and luxuries this achievement afforded didn’t equate to happiness or peace. I didn’t have balance.  Although the career was going great, it was at the expense of my mental health, my relationships, and time with my family. I was miserable and staying for all the wrong reasons.  I made great money, I had a corner office, I was finally able to afford things I had only dreamed of before, after putting in 15-16 years at my family’s company. Thing is, it wasn’t actually a job.  This career was a lifestyle; it wasn’t a role you can turn off when you go home and unplug while on vacation.  I was ALWAYS on call.  Putting up with the worst behaviors, passive aggressive, hostile, angry employees, mostly men and most all older than me.  Suggestive sexual passes from much older men, almost old enough to be my grandfather, this is every woman’s dream, right?  I should suck it up, and let values go because I’m making a great salary, shouldn’t I?  Always on the clock, weekends, weeknights, on vacation, always.  I had worked so hard and dealt with so much to get to this level.  Lots of family drama.  Family is meaner to one another in business than any other company could be.  They think you’ll just take it.  It was exhausting, and it lost all its luster post covid, when my family was home, and I remained going to work as if nothing happened.  I became depressed, my family was depressed.  So, a little while after covid and facing some years of serious burnout and all the blook, sweat, and tears, I left.

I graduated a double major in English and Teaching, with a minor in Urban Studies. During my final semester, before student teaching, I purchased my first home with my boyfriend. Then, during student teaching, the housing market crashed and my boyfriend was laid off. It was impossible to find a job of any sort upon graduation, and my teaching dreams started to slip away. I loved substituting and believed it was helping me to get my foot in the door at the local schools. The problem was, as a 21 year old homeowner, it just wasn’t paying the bills.

I started basically back at the bottom of the pay scale, fortunately we could afford this, since we were no longer paying for daycare, or monthly car payments.  But we couldn’t afford anything except for our bills. I could live TIGHT.  On a tight budget, thrifting, living cheaply, and only buying what I need.  My husband grew up very differently.  His family was huge on presents and eating out, and constant purchases for new things, because they lived in a much smaller house, so they had a bigger budget to do so.  Their lifestyle was just so different from what I was accustomed to.  Divorced family, I lived with my single mom, who couldn’t afford much, outside of bills.  I got lots of hand me downs and we did not eat out.  Our family was huge and we couldn’t afford to buy gifts for everybody we knew.  I was trying to live the lifestyle I grew up in; my husband was trying to live his, we didn’t agree with either and you can’t live both ways.  Money got tighter, tensions were high.  I was put on restraints about what I could and couldn’t do.  It was like starting out all over again.  The new field that would be less stressful, HAH, was teaching middle school Language Arts.  It was certainly not less stressful.  It was a WHOLE lot of stress, in a different way.  Grading, teachers fighting administrators, planning, the attitudes and behavior of the young teens, OH my!  Most of the students were absolutely wonderful, I promise, I really do love a challenge.  The small 5% were horrid.  It made me want to run and never look back.  No other way to describe it.  On top of the behaviors, when summer rolled around, I couldn’t actually afford to do anything, I do mean anything.  Any savings we had managed during the school year was completely used up by summer’s end, on bills and living expenses. We were just barely coasting by.  We watched our savings dip lower and lower. I couldn’t stay without another job for the summer, then the whole reason I went into teaching, more time with the family, peace of mind, was completely absolute.  I was spending SO much precious family time planning and grading, and I felt like I was drowning.

I left.  AGAIN.  I applied for a role for 6 weeks, around Christmas time, 4^th quarter, when no one hires.  I finally, finally, landed a highly lucrative temporary role.  It was similar to one of the many hats I wore at my family’s company. Treasury Management.  It was supposed to be temporary with a possibility of long-term hire.  It wasn’t, or at any rate, it appeared this large company had ulterior motives and were stringing me along as a fill in for employees’ vacations while the company was working on massive downsizing of senior employees to hire younger staff at a fraction of the cost. At a mid-career earning and experience level, I wasn’t making the cut. It was a great temporary role, for a large local gas company.  I was taking a certification course online for project management as well.  In many ways it was extremely similar to the scheduling role I held at the government contractor.  I was planning to stay as long as possible in the temp spot, potentially until completing the certification program.  Even though they strung me along, renewing my contract on a month, to month, basis, which for an anxious person is a powerful stressor.  Life, however, had other plans.

I found out 2 days after my 39^th birthday, I was pregnant.  At my first scan, I was actually a month further along than I had realized.  Again, at the temp. role, my contract was only being renewed month to month.  I was taking the class, working, and also looking for permanent roles simultaneously.  In addition, I was working on elimination diets and body cleansing to try to naturally heal and see what triggered my moderate to severe eczema, that was mostly on my face. More than likely it was the multitude of stressors. All this work led me to lose track of my cycle. The elimination diets probably also resulted in giving my body the healthy it needed… to get knocked up. 

A temporary role, with no vacation time, with awful health insurance, wasn’t going to cut it anymore.  Project management class put on hold, life shifting, again, I returned to a role I had while pregnant with our eldest daughter.  13 years ago.  The legal field, as a legal assistant.  I might not be meeting my full potential.  I’m sure if I kept at the job field, I could find something making far more lucrative.  What companies voluntarily hire a pregnant lady, even if it is discrimination, the interviewing employer could always find another reason to not hire me.  But what I do have now is job security.  Kind coworkers and administrators, a job I can leave behind once I go home for the day.  Great health insurance. Isn’t this one of the things I was seeking? Yes, yes, and yes. When I told them I was pregnant, they were supportive about it and didn’t make me feel guilty. The downside?  It’s an hour drive in all traffic.  The cost of living, gas, and most everything else is steadily on the rise, but this is where I am for now.  I’m thankful, I’m treated well, I’m happy to be valued. 

Why am I here?  First, I majored in English. I love to read and write. I really wanted to tell and share my story, relate to others, share and experience similar interests.  It feels like life can’t be fully lived without some sort of side hustle or gig today.  I don’t want that side hustle to take time away from my kids.  At the same time, I’m still seeking that inner peace.  I have job security at a good reputable company that treats me fairly.  The other element I am missing is that little extra, to provide those little extras for my family.  I know I could afford to do and travel more, but a strong passion of mine is saving and being responsible.  Teaching my kids to live within their means and be responsible one day for themselves.  Unfortunately, that’s not enough in today’s world.  401ks, savings accounts, 529 plans. It’s just not enough in today’s world.  Looking at my 11-year-olds baby book.  The cost of everyday items from when he was our baby daughter’s age, to today, has either doubled or tripled.  The salary increases in the same amount of time. Don’t even ask.

Our infant is happily asleep in her basinet for a nap. I did the laundry, dishes, exercised with the baby for 10 minutes, exercised by myself for 20 minutes while she took her first nap, I’m throwing the ball for the dogs and life is good.  I am on family leave, bonding with child, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself.  It is gray and rainy today, but it can’t rain on our parade. I return to work in the second week of July, and I am going to continue to do as much as I can to accomplish my dreams in the meantime.  When I have some downtime. I’m still shooting for well-rounded, successful individual, as opposed to career only success, or family only success.  I feel in order to be a good role model, first I need to be happy myself. Exercising, nature, family time, writing, listening to audiobooks, budgeting, becoming more self-sufficient, cooking and living clean, planning, gardening, organizing.  All these things and so many more, make me tick.  Once our rough routine is well established, I will feel comfortable adding my class back into the running of things.  For now.  In my short-lived downtime, I plan to express myself.  Reconnect with the inner me.  Stockpile my blog stories, so upon my return to work I can post one per week.  As I’m still learning how to blog for a side hustle.